Wednesday, August 19, 2009

An Irreplaceable Role

I'm so shocked that this was the last chapter! I thought I had more to go! So I'm concluding this blog and starting another one on the next book I'll be reading: Prepare for Rain by Michael Catts.

This has been an amazing journey, one I know I'm not done with quite yet. I know I still have more to go, more to apply. But it's not just because a book says so, God has been confirming everything I'm reading and preparing my heart for everything I was about to read. It definitely lifted me up from where I was at my first post.

Still in progress, but hey! There's progress! I'm not stagnant!

This last chapter was what I call a "Dream Giver" call to follow the adventure God has pressed into your heart. God has an adventure for all of us, but it's always by invitation. Even Mary, the mother of Jesus, had to accept the call that God had for her. Whatever our irreplaceable role in the adventure God wrote for us is, it requires all of our heart and our desires.

From here it's a lot of searching... to get to know my heart, and God's in the process. This is where I need to leave the wounds of failure or "not being good enough" behind and see what is the passion that God put inside me. Our adventure, our MINISTRY, is "the place where the world's biggest needs and your biggest dream meet".

I guess my challenge is that I've always been so diverse - having a little interest in a bit of everything but never really allowing myself to be passionate about ONE thing enough to develop skill at it. Maybe that's exactly where I'm at right now.

At church, I volunteer at singing and sometimes selecting the music for worship... and that's it. Our church right now has no youth ministry, and has a total of 5-7 kids altogether for service. 2 of those are mine. There's not a whole lot for me to do - and yet there's a lot of things I want to see done. I want to go back to doing youth ministry and there is not a teenager in sight. I've determined to help with the children's ministry and be prepared in case any other child, older than 7, shows up. I guess my passion right now is to see our church grow - maybe a call to evangelize... I don't know. I don't feel led into specifics right now, and maybe it's because NOW is not God's timing yet.

I'm getting ready to have baby number 3 and I am JUST now embracing my role as mom. I am just NOW - since reading this book - not restless for "anything else to do but this". I want to nurture Anakin and home school him myself. I want to do the same for Brielle. I haven't quite gotten involved with them - I think a lot of it is the distraction right now that Paul doesn't come home. I can't leave things for him to help me with. I'm running the house, taking out trash, cleaning, checking mail, doing groceries... all on my own. The kids are my tag-alongs.

And yet I'm growing closer to Anakin and Brielle. I feel there's been a lot of progress in my patience level, in our conversations and our "play time". And this is the first and foremost ministry God has settled me (maybe even BLOCKED me in) since we moved to Alaska. The call to be 24/7 exclusively involved in every aspect of your child's development has always been terrifying for me (is there an expert? A teacher? therapist? Anyone else that can take over some of this?!) and I've always held stay-at-home moms in the highest regard. It's intimidating and overwhelming, and at the same time extremely rewarding. We as stay at home moms die "a thousand tiny deaths" for this sacrifice, and this is where God meets us the most. I've had the time of day to pray, to journal, write blogs... things I couldn't do when I was being "efficient". I've been able to give God more of myself each day, and He's been more present than before.

So as I embrace the adventure God has placed me in now, I'm learning to love Him more, love my kids and my husband more, and more importantly: I'm learning to love myself more. To not see myself as a failure because of all I DIDN'T accomplish as a result of being a mom. I'm being healed of those wounds that have haunted me these past 3 years, "too much" of this and "not enough" of that and I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. My heart is repenting over things the Holy Spirit sends conviction over - not a false sense of shame because of something someone else said. And I know that it's here and only here, with the Lord, that He can show me what adventure He desperately needs me to participate in, what irreplaceable role I have to play in the story of God's Kingdom.

After all, every wound I have received is only solid proof that I have an Enemy who fears me because he knows what I'm worth and what I can do to his efforts. But I am in the hands of a Kingsman-Redeemer who is passionate about me and finds me captivating. And He has assured me (He tells YOU the same as well!) that His Kingdom would not be the same without me.

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